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*Just because you think "everyone is doing it," doesn't mean they are. Some are, some aren't — and some are lying.
*There are a lot of good reasons to say "no, not yet." Protecting your feelings is one of them.
*You're in charge of your own life - don't let anyone pressure you into having sex.
*You can always say "no" — even if you've said "yes" before.
*If you're drunk or high, you can't make good decisions about sex. Don't do something you might not remember or might really regret.
*Sex won't make him or her yours and a baby won't make them stay.
*You're in charge of your own life - don't let anyone pressure you into having sex.
*You can always say "no" — even if you've said "yes" before.
*If you're drunk or high, you can't make good decisions about sex. Don't do something you might not remember or might really regret.
*Sex won't make him or her yours and a baby won't make them stay.
SELF-CONFIDENCE
Did you know that teens spend an average of 6.5 hours a day consuming some kind of media? And these days, with TV shows, movies, magazines, and basically everything we look at saturated with images of impossibly gorgeous girls and ridiculously buff guys, it can be no mean feat to develop a positive and realistic self-image.
But before you can even think about starting to get to know someone else, doesn't it make sense to get to know yourself? Having self confidence is the first step in helping to make your future relationships healthy and long-lasting. This section offers some important ideas for getting (and keeping!) your confidence up.
Did you know that teens spend an average of 6.5 hours a day consuming some kind of media? And these days, with TV shows, movies, magazines, and basically everything we look at saturated with images of impossibly gorgeous girls and ridiculously buff guys, it can be no mean feat to develop a positive and realistic self-image.
But before you can even think about starting to get to know someone else, doesn't it make sense to get to know yourself? Having self confidence is the first step in helping to make your future relationships healthy and long-lasting. This section offers some important ideas for getting (and keeping!) your confidence up.
*Associate with positive, supportive people. If your friends are constantly down on themselves (or you), how can you keep a good attitude?
*Stop comparing yourself to others. Yeah, she might have a gorgeous new car and he might be getting straight A's, but do you know what's going on behind the scenes in their lives? You rarely know the full story about someone else, so don't assume that you're worse off, unluckier, less gifted than they are.
*Stop putting yourself down. Most people say things to themselves that they would NEVER let a stranger (or even a close friend) say to them. You should be your biggest advocate, not your biggest critic.
*Stop comparing yourself to others. Yeah, she might have a gorgeous new car and he might be getting straight A's, but do you know what's going on behind the scenes in their lives? You rarely know the full story about someone else, so don't assume that you're worse off, unluckier, less gifted than they are.
*Stop putting yourself down. Most people say things to themselves that they would NEVER let a stranger (or even a close friend) say to them. You should be your biggest advocate, not your biggest critic.
BOTTOM LINE
Do you have a clear idea of your personality? Of your goals, likes, dislikes, interests, values, wants, and needs? Personality characteristics tend to be fairly stable over time, but sometimes the many dimensions of our personality remain hidden to us until we are challenged by new experiences. If you haven't considered these things - you might not be ready to enter into a healthy relationship. If you don't know yourself, you're probably not ready to truly know anyone else.
FEELING A LITTLE SINGLED OUT?
You may feel like you're ready to be in a relationship, but have you really thought about it? I mean really? Getting to know yourself is the first step to take before getting to know someone else - remember, everything you do today will contribute to helping you be ready for your future partner. New aged-stuff aside, how do you start working on a "better you"? It's not as hard as you think...Start by asking yourself some simple questions (but be honest with how you answer):
You may feel like you're ready to be in a relationship, but have you really thought about it? I mean really? Getting to know yourself is the first step to take before getting to know someone else - remember, everything you do today will contribute to helping you be ready for your future partner. New aged-stuff aside, how do you start working on a "better you"? It's not as hard as you think...Start by asking yourself some simple questions (but be honest with how you answer):
*Do I know who I am and what I want in a relationship?
*Do I have the time and energy to give to another person?
*Am I willing to listen when my partner wants to discuss something - even if it means not watching my favorite show or missing a chance to hang out with friends?
*Do I want my partner to spend every free second with me?
*Do I want to help my partner feel secure and comfortable regardless of the situation we're in?
*Can I handle problems and make safe, responsible decisions?
*Can I stand up for my values and beliefs, even if my partner disagrees?
*Am I able to keep promises and things told to me in confidence?
*Does the idea of my partner having friends of the opposite sex make me nervous?
*Can I/ do I want to prioritize someone else's needs above my own?
*Am I feeling pressured to be in a relationship just because everyone else is in one?
*Am I ready to share my thoughts, feelings, and emotions with another person?
*Do I have the time and energy to give to another person?
*Am I willing to listen when my partner wants to discuss something - even if it means not watching my favorite show or missing a chance to hang out with friends?
*Do I want my partner to spend every free second with me?
*Do I want to help my partner feel secure and comfortable regardless of the situation we're in?
*Can I handle problems and make safe, responsible decisions?
*Can I stand up for my values and beliefs, even if my partner disagrees?
*Am I able to keep promises and things told to me in confidence?
*Does the idea of my partner having friends of the opposite sex make me nervous?
*Can I/ do I want to prioritize someone else's needs above my own?
*Am I feeling pressured to be in a relationship just because everyone else is in one?
*Am I ready to share my thoughts, feelings, and emotions with another person?
These are just a few ideas of ways that you can look inside and get to know yourself better.
BOTTOM LINE
The ability to experience close friendships is often the first step toward understanding more significant relationships later in life. If you're not in a relationship, take this time both to better understand yourself and to build your friendships. Opening yourself up to another person and feeling comfortable with others begins with feeling good about who you are as a person. This means having a positive but realistic idea of the character qualities and skills you bring into a relationship.
The ability to experience close friendships is often the first step toward understanding more significant relationships later in life. If you're not in a relationship, take this time both to better understand yourself and to build your friendships. Opening yourself up to another person and feeling comfortable with others begins with feeling good about who you are as a person. This means having a positive but realistic idea of the character qualities and skills you bring into a relationship.
FALLING IN LOVE
What love is:
*Supportive - does your boyfriend or girlfriend encourages you? Attend your baseball game, even though they couldn't be less interested in sports? Do they show up for the play you have a part in even though you're on stage for less than a minute (and you're dressed as a horse)? A love relationship means supporting your partner's interests - even when they don't coincide with your own.
*Unconditional - nobody likes being criticized. But when it's your significant other doing the smack-talking it's much more hurtful...a boyfriend or girlfriend who spends more time belittling you than sweet-talking you is not worth your love.
*Generous - when you're coupled up, suddenly the emphasis is more on the us than on the me. That's not to say that suddenly your feelings go out the window...instead, part of being in a healthy relationship is balancing what you need with what someone else needs. Sometimes it's tough to do, but real love involves generosity of your time.
*Supportive - does your boyfriend or girlfriend encourages you? Attend your baseball game, even though they couldn't be less interested in sports? Do they show up for the play you have a part in even though you're on stage for less than a minute (and you're dressed as a horse)? A love relationship means supporting your partner's interests - even when they don't coincide with your own.
*Unconditional - nobody likes being criticized. But when it's your significant other doing the smack-talking it's much more hurtful...a boyfriend or girlfriend who spends more time belittling you than sweet-talking you is not worth your love.
*Generous - when you're coupled up, suddenly the emphasis is more on the us than on the me. That's not to say that suddenly your feelings go out the window...instead, part of being in a healthy relationship is balancing what you need with what someone else needs. Sometimes it's tough to do, but real love involves generosity of your time.
What love isn't:
*Controlling - this kind of love doesn’t let you be you. Instead, your partner calls the shots and tells you what to do, when, and for how long. Instead of an equal footing, your partner dominates the relationship and always decides what is “best for us".
*Conditional - love that is based on meeting a standard of performance; you have to do something or be something in order to earn the love. So don't dare gain a few pounds, make friends with the wrong crowd, or suddenly stop doing well in your sport.
*Based on lust - this is love based on excitement. Instead of understanding your partner from the inside out - falling for them based on who they are, this kind of love only sees the physical aspects of a relationship.
BOTTOM LINE
Meaningful dating relationships involve an emotional investment from both partners. There are lots of types of love, and falling for the wrong reasons can leave you unfulfilled and unhappy. Of course, figuring out whether what you're feeling is truly love or not is easier said than done...in the end, it's a gut feeling and something that should be carefully considered.
BREAKING UP
Changes in communication, lots of conflict, a decrease in the amount of time you spend together, and, of course, physical or emotional abuse are all reasons to end a relationship. You might also find that your - or your partners' - goals or interests, emotional involvement, or expectations change.
Sometimes, even though a relationship is clearly unhealthy, partners would rather stay together and be miserable than break up and be "alone". This is a huge pitfall to consider when you're dating - staying with your partner simply to avoid being alone can be extremely unhealthy and rarely helps you to grow or gives you the true satisfaction that you deserve in a relationship.
One of the toughest things to go through is a break up - especially if you’re the one getting dumped. Suddenly, homeroom - the place you've been every morning for how many months? - is awkward and strange, the McDonald's around the corner is painful to see, and forget those two classes you share. Before they were the highlight of your day...now it's almost impossible to sit through five minutes. Unfortunately, this "getting re-used to things" is a part of the break up that, while painful, is very necessary. Even though meeting new people may seem about as fun as a root canal, new relationships will develop in time.
Changes in communication, lots of conflict, a decrease in the amount of time you spend together, and, of course, physical or emotional abuse are all reasons to end a relationship. You might also find that your - or your partners' - goals or interests, emotional involvement, or expectations change.
Sometimes, even though a relationship is clearly unhealthy, partners would rather stay together and be miserable than break up and be "alone". This is a huge pitfall to consider when you're dating - staying with your partner simply to avoid being alone can be extremely unhealthy and rarely helps you to grow or gives you the true satisfaction that you deserve in a relationship.
One of the toughest things to go through is a break up - especially if you’re the one getting dumped. Suddenly, homeroom - the place you've been every morning for how many months? - is awkward and strange, the McDonald's around the corner is painful to see, and forget those two classes you share. Before they were the highlight of your day...now it's almost impossible to sit through five minutes. Unfortunately, this "getting re-used to things" is a part of the break up that, while painful, is very necessary. Even though meeting new people may seem about as fun as a root canal, new relationships will develop in time.
BOTTOM UP
Breaking up with someone is never easy... but it's also probably not the hardest thing you'll go through. Lean on your family, your friends, and your hobbies during the tougher times - you'd be surprised how much it'll help to talk to people who love and care for you or to distract yourself with books, movies, working out, playing sports, etc. It doesn't seem like it now, but remember - this feeling won't last forever.
WAITING
Did you know that over 90% of teens believe that it's important that they get a strong message about waiting to have sex? In fact, 60% of teens who have had sex wish they had waited longer and 75% don't see anything embarrassing about admitting that they're virgins. Clearly, teens in the 21st century are recognizing merit in putting off sex and the consequences - both physical and emotional - that are attached to sex.
Some things to keep in mind about waiting:
*Over half of all teens are not having sex, and of the half that are, most regret it and wish they had waited.
*Unfortunately, the half who aren’t sexually active sometimes think they’re the only ones because they've bought the #1 Sex Myth: everybody’s doing it.
*Moreover, some teens lie about having sex... when you think everybody's doing it - and you know you're not - lying can seem like the easiest option.
*We also know from surveys that boys show significant respect—though often unspoken—for girls who resist pressure to have sex and remain virgins.
*It's hard to believe, but most first time sexual relationships are romantic but short-lived. Eight out of ten first time teen sexual relationships last 6 months or less and one-fourth are one-time occurrences.
WHY WAIT?
There are a million good reasons to put off having sex and one of the best is that your instincts are telling you to do so...you shouldn't be having sex because all of your friends are (or because you think all of your friends are) or because people on TV and in the movies do it and never face any repercussions. Sex is a very personal and intimate choice between two people and should be treated with respect. But if you're looking for some more concrete facts to consider, how about the fact that:
*Sex creates expectations. Sex often doesn’t mean the same thing to two people. One person usually wants the sex to mean something—such as a relationship, commitment, or love. The other person may simply expect that sex will continue, as in ”we had sex today and we’ll have it again tomorrow.”
*Sex-too-soon can stop a relationship in its tracks. Even though it seems counter-intuitive, this is definitely true. Because of unmatched expectations over the meaning of sex, there is often less honesty and less real talking about both people’s true feelings which leads to more wondering about the real feelings and intentions of the other person...then comes the pressuring. Often one person is pressuring for more sex and the other is pressuring for a relationship or a commitment. The result: instead of honesty, openness, and meaningful conversations that build a bond of friendship and genuine intimacy, there is more questioning, dishonesty, second-guessing, and pressuring. You can’t build trust in this situation..
*Sex can take over a relationship. When there's nothing else to build on - like shared experiences or interests - sex can become the major focus. It means a relationship mainly becomes planning opportunities for sex instead of doing fun and interesting things and just plain enjoying each other's company.
*Sex can keep a bad relationship going that should have been ended. Sex doesn’t necessarily mean love - instead, it often confuses two persons' understanding of what each sees in the other. On its own, it can create the illusion of closeness and often becomes a substitute for genuine emotional intimacy and can sometimes keep two people together who should have broken up.The point is, when you use sex to try to get love or mistakenly believe your partner is on the same emotional page as you, you might find yourself disappointed. From there, your impression of sex can quickly lose all its special meaning and beauty.
There are a million good reasons to put off having sex and one of the best is that your instincts are telling you to do so...you shouldn't be having sex because all of your friends are (or because you think all of your friends are) or because people on TV and in the movies do it and never face any repercussions. Sex is a very personal and intimate choice between two people and should be treated with respect. But if you're looking for some more concrete facts to consider, how about the fact that:
*Sex creates expectations. Sex often doesn’t mean the same thing to two people. One person usually wants the sex to mean something—such as a relationship, commitment, or love. The other person may simply expect that sex will continue, as in ”we had sex today and we’ll have it again tomorrow.”
*Sex-too-soon can stop a relationship in its tracks. Even though it seems counter-intuitive, this is definitely true. Because of unmatched expectations over the meaning of sex, there is often less honesty and less real talking about both people’s true feelings which leads to more wondering about the real feelings and intentions of the other person...then comes the pressuring. Often one person is pressuring for more sex and the other is pressuring for a relationship or a commitment. The result: instead of honesty, openness, and meaningful conversations that build a bond of friendship and genuine intimacy, there is more questioning, dishonesty, second-guessing, and pressuring. You can’t build trust in this situation..
*Sex can take over a relationship. When there's nothing else to build on - like shared experiences or interests - sex can become the major focus. It means a relationship mainly becomes planning opportunities for sex instead of doing fun and interesting things and just plain enjoying each other's company.
*Sex can keep a bad relationship going that should have been ended. Sex doesn’t necessarily mean love - instead, it often confuses two persons' understanding of what each sees in the other. On its own, it can create the illusion of closeness and often becomes a substitute for genuine emotional intimacy and can sometimes keep two people together who should have broken up.The point is, when you use sex to try to get love or mistakenly believe your partner is on the same emotional page as you, you might find yourself disappointed. From there, your impression of sex can quickly lose all its special meaning and beauty.
LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX
These days, what you don’t know about sex can hurt you, so you need to know the facts. Whether or not you’re currently having sex with someone, here are some numbers you should know:
91: the percentage of teens who think it's important to get a strong message that they should wait to have sex.
75: the percentage of teens who don't think it's embarrassing to admit to being a virgin.
60: the percentage of teens who wish they'd waited longer to have sex.
50: the percentage of teens who say they're still virgins.
53: the percentage of Latina teens who get pregnant at least once before turning 20
50: the percentage of guys who've never considered what their lives would be like if they got a girl pregnant.
35: the percentage of teen couples who report having initiated sex within the first month of their relationship
31: the percentage of male teens who did not use a condom the first time they had sex
30 - 38: the percentage of teens who are not consistent users of contraception
25: the percentage of people living with HIV in the United States...who don't know that they're infected
These days, what you don’t know about sex can hurt you, so you need to know the facts. Whether or not you’re currently having sex with someone, here are some numbers you should know:
91: the percentage of teens who think it's important to get a strong message that they should wait to have sex.
75: the percentage of teens who don't think it's embarrassing to admit to being a virgin.
60: the percentage of teens who wish they'd waited longer to have sex.
50: the percentage of teens who say they're still virgins.
53: the percentage of Latina teens who get pregnant at least once before turning 20
50: the percentage of guys who've never considered what their lives would be like if they got a girl pregnant.
35: the percentage of teen couples who report having initiated sex within the first month of their relationship
31: the percentage of male teens who did not use a condom the first time they had sex
30 - 38: the percentage of teens who are not consistent users of contraception
25: the percentage of people living with HIV in the United States...who don't know that they're infected
WHY'D YOU DO IT?
If sex is so important and can have too many life-altering consequences - disease, pregnancy, and emotional issues - then why are so many teens having so much unprotected, unemotional sex? It's the million dollar question and can have a million different answers - it all depends on the person.
Before you make a decision about sex, think about the following reasons teens have given for losing their virginity and consider whether your reasons are better:
*I'm curious - I want to experiment/ get experience.
*I just want to get this first time out of the way.
*Sex is no big deal. Everyone is doing it.
*Every one of my friends has had sex - I'm the only hold out. I feel like a weirdo.
*The popular kids in my school are the ones who have sex - I want to fit in with them.
*My partner really wants me to do it - he/ she says that it'll bring us closer together/ prove my love/ show my commitment.
*There's nothing to do in this town but have sex.
*I won't really know how compatible we are until we've had sex.
*My parents are so controlling and strict - they'd freak out if they knew I was having sex.
*We've already had sex once - I can't very well say no now.
*It's just a ”friends-with-benefits” thing - what's the big deal?
WHAT TEENS ARE SAYING
*I just want to get this first time out of the way.
*Sex is no big deal. Everyone is doing it.
*Every one of my friends has had sex - I'm the only hold out. I feel like a weirdo.
*The popular kids in my school are the ones who have sex - I want to fit in with them.
*My partner really wants me to do it - he/ she says that it'll bring us closer together/ prove my love/ show my commitment.
*There's nothing to do in this town but have sex.
*I won't really know how compatible we are until we've had sex.
*My parents are so controlling and strict - they'd freak out if they knew I was having sex.
*We've already had sex once - I can't very well say no now.
*It's just a ”friends-with-benefits” thing - what's the big deal?
WHAT TEENS ARE SAYING
Hector, 18: As I was growing up, my parents, especially my mother, told me that making love was this very special thing. I always figured I’d wait until I was a lot older. But a friend fixed me up with a girl from another school last year, and it happened. This girl and I only went out twice. I hardly knew her, but she came on to me so strong that I kind of stopped using my head. I still can’t believe I let myself get pushed into it that way.
Jake 17: All the guys are players. Everyone’s cheating left and right… lots of girls too. No one trusts anyone. Something tells me there’s something better than this. When I look inside me, I don’t feel good about what I’m doing. And, although I’d never say it out loud, I gotta lot a respect for those girls who ain’t just putting out.. That’s the kinda girl I want someday.
Kelly, 16: I was sixteen and a virgin when I started dating Brian. He was great looking, older, sophisticated.. I thought about him every minute. I was completely in love. After a few weeks, we were having sex—in fact, we did it every time we had a chance to be together. At first, I was so happy being with him but then I got scared and upset. I was afraid he would leave me and I felt kind of guilty. Here I was sleeping with this guy, and I was starting to figure out that he didn’t feel about me like I did about him. I was so sure I loved him, but I realize now that I didn’t really know him. I didn’t know then what it means to really know a guy. The truth is that, after a while, the biggest thing between us was sex.
Sandra, 17: I always dreamed that I’d meet the perfect guy and that we’d be so much in love and have this wonderful romance. But I guess I was too anxious to be in love. If a boyfriend would tell me that having sex would deepen our relationship, I went along with it. But I would just end up getting hurt because after we had sex, we would end up having lots of problems and breaking up. This kept happening to me.
John, 17: When I was younger, I ruined a lot of relationships by pushing so hard for sex. I’m kind of ashamed when I look back on it. Sure, I took girls out for dinner or a movie... but my main goal was to get them to bed. I pushed pretty hard. Lots of nice girls didn’t want to go out with me after a few dates. When I look back, I’m embarrassed about what they must have thought of me.
Melanie, 19: I think on the topic of sex I’m starting to understand it more and more as I get older. I have really changed my views about sex and am quite different about how I choose to be with someone. I wasn’t really happy when I was involved with someone and we were intimate, but I still did it. Now, I can’t even get close to doing that and it will probably take a long time for me to want to even think about it! I really need to feel connected and cannot have a relationship like that any more knowing how unhappy it truly made me.
Jake 17: All the guys are players. Everyone’s cheating left and right… lots of girls too. No one trusts anyone. Something tells me there’s something better than this. When I look inside me, I don’t feel good about what I’m doing. And, although I’d never say it out loud, I gotta lot a respect for those girls who ain’t just putting out.. That’s the kinda girl I want someday.
Kelly, 16: I was sixteen and a virgin when I started dating Brian. He was great looking, older, sophisticated.. I thought about him every minute. I was completely in love. After a few weeks, we were having sex—in fact, we did it every time we had a chance to be together. At first, I was so happy being with him but then I got scared and upset. I was afraid he would leave me and I felt kind of guilty. Here I was sleeping with this guy, and I was starting to figure out that he didn’t feel about me like I did about him. I was so sure I loved him, but I realize now that I didn’t really know him. I didn’t know then what it means to really know a guy. The truth is that, after a while, the biggest thing between us was sex.
Sandra, 17: I always dreamed that I’d meet the perfect guy and that we’d be so much in love and have this wonderful romance. But I guess I was too anxious to be in love. If a boyfriend would tell me that having sex would deepen our relationship, I went along with it. But I would just end up getting hurt because after we had sex, we would end up having lots of problems and breaking up. This kept happening to me.
John, 17: When I was younger, I ruined a lot of relationships by pushing so hard for sex. I’m kind of ashamed when I look back on it. Sure, I took girls out for dinner or a movie... but my main goal was to get them to bed. I pushed pretty hard. Lots of nice girls didn’t want to go out with me after a few dates. When I look back, I’m embarrassed about what they must have thought of me.
Melanie, 19: I think on the topic of sex I’m starting to understand it more and more as I get older. I have really changed my views about sex and am quite different about how I choose to be with someone. I wasn’t really happy when I was involved with someone and we were intimate, but I still did it. Now, I can’t even get close to doing that and it will probably take a long time for me to want to even think about it! I really need to feel connected and cannot have a relationship like that any more knowing how unhappy it truly made me.
THE FUTURE
No one knows what the future will bring but we all have some idea of how we want it to turn out. Whether your dreams include becoming an actor or starting your own company or raising a family (or all of the above), there are steps you can take to help yourself achieve those goals:
1. Finish high school or – even better – college: more education means more financial security. And more financial security means less fighting about money and how to spend it...one of the top reasons couples give for divorcing.
2. Wait until your 20's or later to marry: teens who marry are two to three times more likely to divorce
3. Wait to have kids until you're married: less than eight percent of teen moms marry the father of their child. What's more? Only 30% of teen moms who marry after the birth of their child are still in those marriages by the age of 40.
2. Wait until your 20's or later to marry: teens who marry are two to three times more likely to divorce
3. Wait to have kids until you're married: less than eight percent of teen moms marry the father of their child. What's more? Only 30% of teen moms who marry after the birth of their child are still in those marriages by the age of 40.
(Source: http://www.stayteen.org/)
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